Hold Me Now

Have you ever been so scared that you didn’t know which way to look because that fear will always be there?

Always haunting.

Always present.

You pray desperately for the end, for confidence that you did the right thing, but you aren’t sure.

And you feel like you can’t be.

Dear God am I afraid.

I made the decision to pursue going to Costa Rica for at least a month.

The concept of it is starting to sink in, and I can’t remember the last time I was so afraid.

I have been given an ultimatum by my mother, who is not supportive of this decision at all.

I have to come up with the money all on my own.

In about a month.

Oh God help me.

This is the first time I’ve ever really been on my own, and I am terrified. I don’t want to admit it to them. They’d tell me its a better idea to stay home.

Go to college.

Be normal.

Of course, If I am not accepted into the program then there is nothing I can do.

I don’t think there are words to describe accurately how I feel.

Anxious. Anxiety. Excitement. Fear.

It would be so easy to just stay here. To do what they want me to, to be what they want me to be. But that’s not me. I still plan on doing some of the things they want me to do, but just not right now. I’m putting things on hold. I’m going out of my comfort zone and I am afraid. It’s so unknown, so far away. I love my family. I love my parents and my brothers, but I need to do this.

This is what I feel I should do.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll be possible. If not.. then it won’t be.

I love that song. Hold me now, by Red.

I need some comfort and assurance, but I don’t know that I can get it.

Trust in God, He knows better than you do. ~pajamaed

 

Expectations of Reality

I’ve reached a cross roads of my life and I don’t know what to do.

I come from a long line of people who are “successful” and they expect me to do more of the same.

In fact they expect me to do more.

People in my life seem to be in constant pursuit of success, always chasing money.

They don’t look happy.

Why would I want to try and accomplish something that looks like such utter misery?

I don’t feel motivated to be successful. I just want to be happy.

I’ve come to realize, (with a little help) that I had convinced myself that I wanted goals that I had not set for me. Goals that other people told me I needed to do.

My father has told me for a very long time that to support a family in the modern US would cost a minimum of 100k a year. I don’t know if I want to live in the US.

I really just want to go where God tells me to go.

But I am so very scared.

Uncertainty has always been a foothold of fear in the past for me. I don’t like not knowing. It bothers me.

I just want to be happy but I don’t want to disappoint all the people who have done their best to help me in my life.

I don’t want to go to college to get an education that I don’t want or need.

I just want to be free to do what I choose, or what he chooses for me.

I just don’t know.

How do you shatter all the expectations of everyone around you?

…This sucks.

I need to think some more.

Trust in God. He knows better than you do. ~Pajamaed

Forgiven

I am nothing.

Simply a cacophony of flesh and blood.

Nothing worth loving.

Who am I?

I am in a constant state of awe at the presence of God. A being with such might and power that he could wipe out the entire human race with a snap of his fingers. He never ceases to astound me with his acts of love and kindness. He comforts me when I hurt. Gives me wisdom when I ask for it. Helps me when I need it.

Life is nothing but a series of trials and triumphs. Victories innumerable followed by defeats that haunt. I would be willing to remember that each of you has a past mistake that follows you. Or seems to. Allow me to let you in on a little secret.

Your mistakes, mean nothing to God. So long as you ask for his forgiveness if you’ve sinned against him. He will forgive you. If you have accepted Jesus as your savior, he has washed you clean. He has saved you.

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace ~Ephesians 1:7 (NIV)

I may not be anything. But I am everything to him. I am treasure in the arms of Christ. I’m forgiven.

Judgement

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:1-2

Kinda funny isn’t it? Jesus said that you know. Not a disciple. And yet, the one thing Christians are known for is judging others outside the Church. Sure some are worse than others. Some are fanatical, like the Westboro Baptist Church, who in my personal opinion give Christianity as a whole a bad name. Christians are known for judging others. People enter a church service and feel looked at. They feel out of place. They feel like they are not worthy. They feel judged.

They sit in the back and during the whole service no one says a word to them. They are left to themselves. They are expected to conform to the standards that the church has set. Conformity sucks.

One area where Christians really seem to clash over is homosexuality. I live in North Carolina, and on Tuesday, my state passed an amendment to the state constitution which defines marriage as one man and one woman. A stance which I support, but they went about it the wrong way. There were two sides fighting over a line drawn in the sand. A very fine line. You were either for or against the amendment. I stayed out of the argument on Facebook and the like, and I only touched on a briefly at school. But my opinion is this, Homosexuals are people too. They deserve to see the love of Christ, not the judgement that they feel. How on earth does the church expect to save those people by judging them and shouting in their face that they’re going to hell? I honestly don’t understand it. Don’t they deserve just as much respect as the person you sit next to in church? Are they not human beings? Do they not have souls that are worth trying to save?

What is wrong with you people?

Why is it that Christians seem to hate gays so much? Jesus spoke about loving your neighbor as yourself. He never condemned or persecuted anyone.

Now, do not get me wrong. I am NOT saying that homosexuality is okay. Not by a far sight. What I am saying is this, The church is wrong to judge and condemn them. They do not understand why we are doing this. They just see the hate that constantly rains down upon them. I can guarantee you that none of them feel the love of Christ. On top of that, it turns other people away from Christianity as well. They see what we do to gays and decide that they don’t want to be like us. They want to go be Buddhist or something. They turn away before God has a chance to work in their lives.

Here is what I do.

I personally, am all for believing what you chose. What you believe does not affect me in the slightest. I follow God. He saved me from myself, and I am eternally grateful for it. If you follow, Buddah, or Allah, or Joseph Smith, it doesn’t really matter. It’s your choice, and as a Christian, I will love you in the lord all the same. If you decide that you want to know more about the one true God whom I follow, by all means, ask me. Or ask your local pastor. He or I would be glad to help you.

Trust in God. He knows better than you do. ~pajamaed

Untitled

It’s raining out right now. I love rainy days.

They’re peaceful.

Nothing is better than a really good storm.

Unfortunately, all I got right now is rain.

Right now however, I’ve going through both a physical and spiritual storm.

Circumstances in my life are starting to conspire together.

Life is hard. I figured that out a long time ago, but certain people in life make it harder. Not really by anything they do, but what they try to do. A certain person in my life is giving me the complete cold shoulder. A certain other one is doing everything in her power to make me miserable. Then my grandfather is dying. Life is hard.

My life isn’t even a shadow of what it used to be. My mind blew little things far out of proportion.

Now I know that these circumstances are far from not overcomeable.

But it’s the fact that they are all happening at once that’s getting to me.

I’m not scared. I know what’s coming. I’m not afraid of it. I know that my life is getting ready to change.

But I know one thing. God doesn’t change. He doesn’t go away. He loves me and all my quirks and oddities.

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

God hasn’t changed just because of what happens to me. He’s always there.

It’s because of him that I’m not scared. He’s my rock, sword and shield.

I have to have faith that He is there. That He is looking out for me. That this is part of His plan for my life. That I will see the good in this. I choose to be happy, to find rest in the tremendous storm I am weathering. I’m not scared.

Trust in God. He knows better than you do. ~pajamaed

Give

About five years ago, I purchased a nitro powered remote controlled monster truck. I played with it a grand total of about ten times, maybe. Before I got fed up with it and put it in my closet. Where it sat. For years.

Recently, I met a guy named Zech through church. He is really big into RC stuff, as is his father and grandfather. I mentioned what I had in a passive manner and he wanted to see it. I shrugged and thought nothing of it at the time. I wanted to hold onto it, for reasons that I am not quite sure of.

Tonight, I brought it to church. I had previously offered to sell it to him for a hundred dollars. I got it out of the trunk and let him mess with it. As I watched him try and start the engine I saw a childish wonder that reminded me of me when I first got it. It was in that moment that I heard the holy spirit whisper to me, Give it to him. 

I smiled and went inside, figuring that it would be a good idea to ask his Dad before I gave him something like that. I did, and he said that it was fine, he also mentioned that he was also into RC stuff. After service Zech came up to me and asked if he could keep it til Sunday to see if he could get it running right. I smiled and said, You can have it and all the stuff that goes with it. His eyes went wide and he asked if I was serious, I nodded and he got the biggest smile on his face that I have ever seen. It felt really good. His Dad came and told me that I probably made Zech’s year by doing that. I listened to the holy spirit. I gave without expecting anything in return, and dang does it feel good.

Until I got home.

When I told my Dad he dropped, literally dropped, what he was holding onto and gave me a look of completely and total…. disapproval. He was very upset that I didn’t give it to one of my brothers. Or sell it to the guy I gave it to. Once I explained myself he understood a bit more, and for once mom was actually on my side. It was a nice change. Another guy at church gave me crap for not selling it to him also, but he is a friend of mine and he chilled after I told him why. Then he went back to pestering me about my first name which I refused to tell him.

But my point is this, Sometimes people will question the decisions God leads you to make. You have to learn to accept the criticism. God will reward you if you follow in his will, even if others think you’re an idiot.

Trust in God. He knows better than you do. ~pajamaed